Eternal Questions

Today marks 9 months since the accident!

Since that horrible day, I have gone through so many changes… physically, emotionally, residentially!

The first step was altering my hairstyle and color.  I needed a change and I thought that would help.  How Naive!  I was new to this widow thing… had no clue what  was yet to come.

Sure, I realized “surface” things, but even now I find new realizations… right down to a change in the types of clothing I can now wear.  I don’t have anyone to zip that dress up the back anymore… and God forbid I should wear that “itchy” one… back itch is a pain when you are out in public.  I wonder if anyone would notice if I carried my backscratcher with me wherever I go!

Emotionally… well, I can’t even begin to describe that!  To scratch the surface, I would have to say that a small “bump” can feel like a mountain when encountered during a bad day!  Even during a good day, a mood can turn on a dime.

Many of you are aware of what I mean by residentially as well.  I found it impossible to live in the house we had called “home” for so many years.  Unsure of what I needed at the time, I chose to take the least permanent option I could find.  I rented a small apartment and realized very quickly that it was not for me.

As I have found to be the case so many times during the past 9 months, a solution showed itself to me… without much effort on my part. I found a house on the internet that was up for auction.  I placed a “low-ball” bid and was quickly overbid.  Having never seen the house except for pictures (and my parents conducting a drive-by), it was sight unseen.  I was not willing to risk any more.  The bid closed and my heart grew heavy.  1 hour later, I received a phone call that has changed my life almost as much as that knock on the door had done just hours after his death!  It was the auction house.  The higher bid fell through (at least that’s what they told me) and did I want to reinstate my bid?  I jumped at the chance, and 25 days later I closed on the house that seems to fit me like a glove… right down to the neighbors.

The biggest drawback (at least for some people) is that the only internet available here is my cell phone hot spot.  Hidden among what most people see as a disadvantage emerges a huge advantage.  The neighbor kids play outside… and offer to help out with projects every chance they get.  Having just purchased and hauled home 60 pieces of brick edging yesterday, this was a wonderful benefit.  In fact, I had to stop them from taking over my yard project last night so I could do it my way… a great problem to have.

Even Dottie and Max find it much easier to live here.  They have “walk offers” frequently, and while they don’t like to go far without me, they will grow accustomed to it in time.

Anyway, as so often happens in my writing, my mind wanders and I stray from the subject that lead me to sit down at the computer in the first place.  Today is a prime example.  Today is yet another notable day (the 8th of every month is just that.  I try to avoid using the term “anniversary” since it is truly not something I chose to celebrate.)  Maybe I should create a “catch-word” for it… people all over the world will join in with an attempt to describe something they would rather not even acknowledge, but can’t seem to help it… a “memorialversary” or something like that.  I will give it more thought.  At any rate, here I go again… mind wander seems to be more of an issue for me today than most days!

The real reason I sat down here this morning was to recognize the memory of someone else who, since Andy’s death, has been on my mind so very much.  Today is my grandmother’s birthday.  She too departed from our world… many years ago.  I was too young to feel that loss so much when it happened, but over the years I have grown to  miss her so very much.  Ironically, I now find myself in a boat so very similar to the one she was in all those years ago… “young-widowhood.”  Grandma Halfacre became a widow at the age of 42!  I know that some of you may think that 42 is not necessarily young, but blink a few times and you’ll see just how young it really is!  As the story unfolds in my mind, I realize that we encountered many similar issues.  The most important one that I think about frequently is the birth of a new grandchild… the second one to be exact (in both cases – hers and mine)!  My brother (named Thomas after her recently departed husband) was born shortly after Grandpa Myers’ death.  While ours differed slightly as I/We welcomed a new little girl into the family shortly thereafter, she too bears a name that pays tribute to the grandfather she never got to meet.  Andrea “Andi” will never have the opportunity to realize the strong arms and warm heart that so eagerly awaited her arrival just months before.

Grandma found love again several years later and married a man that I grew to know as “Grandpa.”  That’s a shoe I don’t really ever seeing myself even attempting to fill however.  I stood by obliviously as a young child and watched as she went through the grief of burying yet another husband… the man I had grown to love as my grandfather.  Shortly thereafter, she developed cancer and suffered for nearly a decade until she departed to be reunited with lost loved ones.

Since Andy’s accident, I have given her situation so much thought.  I now see her as possibly the most respected and influential person in my life.  I just wish I realized then what I know now.  But then again, I guess we all wish that from time to time.  I hope someday that my granddaughters can look past my weak moments and see me as a strong person, though I hope they never feel the need…

Not a day goes by that I think “What would Grandma do” or “how would Grandma handle this?”  I guess I’ll just add a few more to that list of eternal questions that I one day hope to ask!

Andy, month after month the day rolls around!  I think about the “7th” when I saw you for the last time… and the “8th” when that early morning knock at our front door changed my life drastically… forever.  All my life, I heard it said that “time heals all wounds” but can’t imagine how something so deep could ever be healed.  I lost part of me when you died!  I know that healing is not an option, so I look for strength to cope with the pain that my heart deals with every day.  With all my love… Forever and Always Baby!

I Must Overcome!

I often think to myself as I sit here and write… will I ever overcome?

When can I expect an event to take place in my life (whether it involves the kids or not) when I don’t find myself at least reflecting upon the “what woulds” and even the “how comes?” of any given situation.

Sometimes I even catch myself daydreaming about an altered reality…

What if his accident had never happened… if that 3a.m. knock on our front door had never taken place.  Where would I/We be right now?  What would I/We be doing?  One thing is for sure, most events of my daily routine now would be different than what they actually are.

But then I would also realize that I would still be taking daily life for granted.  I completely understand, with more realization than I often care to admit, that old cliche’ “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.”

Even a normal day in my new life is surrounded by the acknowledgement that while this is normal for me, it is still very much a new normal!

I find myself addressing challenges every day that I would otherwise have taken for granted.  One example of this was as simple as buying a new dress.  I have never been one who liked to deal with fitting rooms in stores, so I generally buy and take it home to try on.  This last shopping experience did not stray from that principle at all.  I bought a dress that I felt would fit the occasion for which I was shopping only to have reality smack me in the face yet again!  I began trying on the dress only to find that it had a long zipper up the back.  What was I thinking?    Maybe I need to figure out a way to teach Dottie and Max <our canine kids>  how to work a zipper … that would be my only hope!

So, with that once again appreciation for what was and could never again be, I returned that dress to the store and settled for a different style altogether.

I vow to myself everyday that no matter what, I will overcome this feeling of longing for what I once had… someone to take care of me!  I now find myself longing more than anything to take charge and learn how to become self-sufficient.  Andy would have (and did) absolutely anything for me… a benefit I wish now I would have resisted to some degree.

I think back to the <joking> conversations that would on rare occasion take place between the two of us when he would ask me what I would do if anything happened to him?  My reply was always the same… “I would never remarry.  I’ve put too many years into training you, and I’m not done yet” always seemed to flow in my lighthearted response.  While the emotion behind it has certainly changed, the affirmation stays the same!

I feel so deeply in my heart that I must once again return to that “handle it myself” attitude that led me into his arms in the first place so many years ago.  I overcame adversity early in my adulthood only to find comfort in his loving arms.  Now I know that somehow, some way I must overcome yet again until we meet up again… someday!

The Empty Chair

That is something that I try very hard to avoid… the empty chair.

Those friends and family members who knew “us” best will tell you that you could count on one hand the “functions” that one of us attended without the other over the years.  We did most everything as a couple with the exception of an occasional “hobby event.”

Andy liked his float trips… I did not.  So he did that on his own and I stayed behind and manned the fort!  I enjoyed participating in various organizations where the tables would then  turn.  But for the most part, we were attending things side by side!

The first time I encountered this new life situation, however, was just 2 weeks after his accident when our youngest son turned 21!  We had planned an event… and I now had to carry it through without him.  Surrounded by family and friends, I survived the day.  Truth be told, I’m sure the shock and denial was still my driving force!

I often try to convince myself that life still goes on.

That one is often a bitter pill to swallow!

Yesterday was another milestone occasion.  Our oldest son graduated from college and was commissioned as a 2nd lieutenant in the U.S. Army… another stepping stone in his already established military career.

Andy was so proud of the accomplishments of his boys — and with good reason.  I am sure he is watching us with even more pride as Tyler and Trevor both have excelled even during these trying times.  I reluctantly must admit that they are finding it necessary to forge through on their own for the most part.  Where I once “pushed”, I now find myself mustering up just enough strength to issue the much deserved “Hoorah!”

Anyway, back to yesterday.  I had every intention of “holding it together” as I attended the events of the day.  However, that did not happen as planned.  I was holding my own as I took my seat at Tyler’s commissioning ceremony among rows of family and friends with my oldest granddaughter by my side.  However, after spending a whole week with me, she understandably moved back a row to sit with other family members that she only gets to see briefly a few times a year.  I was fine with her move until the ceremony began just seconds later; and I noticed that I was now going through this ceremony sitting next to an empty chair.

I am just not sure I will ever adjust to the empty chair.  That has been a big factor in my inability to dine out alone… the empty chair.  I always take advantage of a situation when someone comes to visit… knowing that I am filling that empty chair — even if only for a little while.

Andy, I know that you are with me always… especially when special events take place.  However, I miss the touch of your hand in mine.  Truth be told,  I miss everything about  you so very much and love you with all my heart.  Forever and Always Baby!

Bittersweet Moments

As the sun makes it’s somewhat feable attempt to rise this morning, I awake to realize one of those bittersweet moments lying ahead.

Today you are in my thoughts so very much.  We spent so many countless hours discussing this very occasion only to find myself playing the proud parent role once again alone!   After spending 25 years together, sharing parental responsibilities,   I had become reliant upon the feeling that we would encounter these things together.

 I know that you are watching with proud eyes as we approach the events of the day.  You have every right to be proud.  After all,  our boys got their best qualities from you.

I know that it is so very difficult for both Tyler and Trevor to see my eyes tear, so I try to keep it to myself as much as possible when they are around.  It just isn’t always an option though.  I decided to express our pride in private to Ty last night with the hopes of putting a strong face on for today.  I guess that is yet to be seen.

In just 3 hours, I will watch our oldest son as he becomes commisioned as 2nd Lieutenant… a proud moment in his Army career.  Later this evening, it will be graduation from ISU… another proud moment.

During these events, I will be surrounded by family and friends.  However, nothing could ever take the place of seeing the look in your eyes while the events of the day unfold.  Oh how I miss seeing those beautiful blue eyes… still a color I’ve never seen anywhere else.

I know that your love will give me the strength to do what needs to be done today.  As I walk forward during the ceremony later this morning to take my part in placing that pin on his uniform, I know I’m not alone.  Once again, you will be right by my side… giving me strength during yet another bittersweet moment!

When Friends Become Family

When I flash back to the day that I discovered that we shared a family, it still makes me smile!

Last fall, during the early stages of my grief journey, I decided that I needed to take my mom on a little “getaway.”  With family members that had seemed so far away for so many years, a plane ride was in order.

So with suitcase in hand, we boarded that iron bird to meet smiling faces at the other end.

The smiling faces that I am refering to would be my mom’s aunt (Thelma who is her mom’s sister), uncle (Clif) and at least one of “the cousins.”  In fact, we found ourselves welcomed with that great southern hospitality as we stayed with our cousin and her husband.

Now, allow me to digress…

Just days before I departed on this <original> adventure, I had been left to deal with a very sad and overwhelmingly depressing day… Andy’s birthday – the first one that he would no longer be around to celebrate.  Knowing this, a very dear friend… someone I had known just about longer than anyone, had invited me to her home for the day… hot tub, dinner, wine!  It seemed to be just what the doctor ordered, so I went.

During our “hot tub conversations” (of which there were many… wink wink) I revealed my plan to visit my mom’s aunt and uncle in South Carolina… and of how excited I was to be seeing them again after so many years.  That was about the extent of the conversation that day.

Now, back to the south… I found myself sitting in my cousin Kathy’s livingroom, checking in with my Facebook friends and family… discussing the wonderful visit thus far.  Kathy, sitting in the very same room, was doing the same when suddenly, the funniest thing happened!

I posted a comment in which Kathy replied and a fantastic revelation came to us all…  my friend (Tina) whom I had just visited with on Andy’s birthday made a comment as well.  At this point in time, this whole story began to unfold…

Unknown to Tina and I, we shared family members.  My great aunt was married to her great uncle (brother to her mom’s mom)!  With this, I revealed to my South Carolina family that Tina and I had been friends FOREVER!

Since that time, we have spent countless hours chatting (privately) on Facebook.  We planned a trip for a “girls weekend” that, with a little tweaking over the past several months, landed me back to where this whole story originally unfolded… and Tina in a place I don’t believe she ever imagined herself to be!

Yesterday, Tina and I boarded yet another (for me) iron bird and found ourselves breaking bread together at OUR great aunt and uncle’s home with OUR cousin Kathy and her husband, Rich.

While our visit will be over far too soon, the memories we create this weekend will last a lifetime for us all.  Sorry readers, what happens at a girls weekend stays at a girls weekend!

It’s really quite amazing when friends become family!

Andy, I have encountered so many things since you left my world.  I can’t even tell you how much I wish I could be sharing this story with you… face to face!  I love you so much for everything you gave to me, but most of all for that feeling of never ending love that allows me to carry on day after day!  You are in my heart… Forever and Always My Love!

Unanswered Questions

Sometimes the words come easier than others.  Today would be one of the more difficult days.

Though, as with most things in my life at this point, I try to assign reason to everything!  I suppose in time, I will find it not quite so necessary, but realize that for the most part, that is what life will involve for me now!

Today would happen to be one of those days where I have relatively nothing of importance to say… just the need to say something… to purge if you will!

Could it be the storms that keep rearing up overhead… reminding me that there is far more out there than we could ever see?  Maybe it’s the horrific events that took place yesterday… leaving so many with unanswered questions.  While the storms certainly restrict my activities of the day, I believe the latter is of far more consequence.

Unanswered Questions seem to be the most prevalent issue in my somewhat new lifestyle.   So often since Andy’s accident, I find myself feeling like I am in a world of my own… looking for answers and finding none.  So many people have tried to convince me that there just may be no answers, or that they are just not for me to find.  I have difficulty in accepting that.  Yesterday, all too brief for some, they too felt the need for answers as to why… and how.  For some, the pain of yesterday’s event will be a lifelong burden while others will only feel a slight twinge of agony for a short or relatively nonexistent period of time.  That is just human nature.  The ability to move forward comes easier to some… and the events for others may be less personal.

My heart goes out in ways most could not possibly imagine to those who suffered extreme losses in yesterday’s attack.  It is a shame when tragic events happen and we have to accept that someone has information but feels the need to keep silent.  As with the life altering event that took place in my life just several months ago, you can rest assured (although rest is probably not a good word in this context) that someone knows something… but they aren’t telling.  I realize that often times, people don’t even realize that they have pertinent information, but sometimes they just avoid “owning up” for fear of scrutiny or the fear of “getting involved.”

I suppose I see a far different perspective than many… I not only feel the pain of loss, but find it difficult to get through the anger of not knowing WHY… or even HOW!

When I step back from the overall “public scenario” of yesterday’s event and think about the one on one personal effect, I can’t help but relive that shock and horror that ensues for days/weeks/months (maybe even years… that is still yet to be seen for me as well.)  I know, firsthand, how the families of the 3+ victims who lost their lives in the bombings must be feeling, though the shock of the event will most likely keep them numb for some time to come.

I pray for peace for the ones who lost their lives… and strength and support to everyone left behind to mourn those losses.  I don’t expect it to be an easy road for any of them, and the bitterness that comes with any sudden death experience will most likely sting for a long time to come.

For the rest of us, I just pray that we learn to adapt to an ever changing world… and remember that we can still make a difference when we put our minds to it!  Remember that smiles as well as frowns are contagious – and figure out which one you prefer to spread around!  Just one small gesture of human kindness might be a life altering event for someone.

So while I feel the need to pay respect to those directly and indirectly involved in yesterday’s tragedy, I also want to remind everyone how precious life is… and how easy it can be to take it for granted.

Though for some it may be just for today, I think most of us are feeling a little more respectful of human life, and the love we share with those around us!

Take a moment to do something special for someone today… loved ones and strangers alike.  Remember, it could just be the best thing you ever did for them… as well as for yourself!

Andy, when events like yesterday happen, I can’t help but reflect upon my own loss as well as the losses of others.  Life is far too precious to ever be taken for granted.  I only wish that lesson would have come to me a day or two sooner.  What a difference a day could have made!  I love you with all my heart… still!  Forever and Always Baby!

Just What The Doctor Ordered For This Old Country Girl

This new move has been a Godsend; but it still comes with many bittersweet moments.

I often wonder if the day/occasion will arise when I wont turn my thoughts to “I wonder what Andy would think about this!”  It happens all the time… and buying this house was no exception.

I made a promise to him and God that if this house was to in fact be a miracle sent to me, I would begin writing the book he often asked me to write during our years together.

While a few of you do know what a miracle this house was to me… and the leap of faith I took in order to obtain it, the rest of you will just have to trust it as so!  I have no doubt in my mind that Andy put in an order and God made it happen!

Since my 2 weeks of homeownership here in Elsah have begun, I have met some very nice people and have heard some stories about the house… including a chance meeting at a gas station in Missouri where the attendant happened to be working as an intern for a builder during his high school days – and he knew my house… personally!  In addition, I was told the story of how this house became “needy.”  It was left behind when the children of an elderly gentleman felt that he had become too physically unstable to care for himself anymore, let alone a house.  Since they were scattered across the U.S. and no one lived close by to see after the property, they placed him in a home several states away and let go of what was once their father’s house.  Whatever the circumstances that brought this house and I together, I am eternally grateful… I am blessed.

Anyway, being a descendant of Chief Ouatoga (the Illini chief who was responsible for the original Piasa Bird)… and my extreme interest in genealogy, I feel “one with the universe” here.  When Andy and I moved into our home in Glen Carbon, I found some xerox copies left behind in the attic.  I don’t mean to give you the impression that lots of things were left behind… that is just not the case!

My curiosity was peaked, so I began to read.  After a few days, I had made it through the entire 50+ pages of somewhat worn papers only to discover that they contained stories of none other that the Illini Chief himself… and his daughter who perished when she jumped to her death from the bluff referred to as “Lover’s Leap.”  This was done in an effort to overcome the pain of being forced to give up the man of her dreams.

While I myself have no desire to make my way to the cliffs that reside just a few miles from my new home, I feel a calling here… I must write —  and I will!  That is to be my “effort to overcome my loss!”

Unlike some moments/decisions I have encountered in my past 8+ months of existence since his accident, I feel that at the very least, he is pleased with my choices… maybe even responsible for them on some level.

Over the years, we would drive past this little town, on our way to the cabin.  I am not sure that an occasion went by where I didn’t at least gaze up the hill and daydream about what life would be like on that “great hill.”

Anyone who knew Andy well (or was his Facebook friend at least) knows the significance of the Eagles.  While it too would be fitting, I am not referring to the music group, but the bird itself!  Andy loved watching them soar and showed his admiration by making one his profile picture.  I remember the time consuming process it was for him… finding just the right soaring Eagle to represent his spirit on Facebook.  I remember the joy he showed when he found that specific picture and (as he so often did)) asked me “how do I make that my profile picture.”  Andy loved spending time on the computer but always looked to me when it came to the technical stuff.  He always stated that he just didn’t get it, but I think he was just trying to make me feel needed!  That was his “Andy-ness!”

On what would be my first trip up the River Road alone… on my way to my newly purchased home, I looked up into the sunroof and spotted an Eagle soaring overhead.  He stayed with me for most of the trip, but then veered off and took what I can only assume was a quicker route to my new home.  I can even identify that with his spirit… being a truck driver most of his life!

I now have neighbors close by in case I need them, but have plenty of privacy as well.  It is just what the doctor ordered for this old country girl!

Andy, not a moment of any day goes by without you crossing my mind.  From sun up to sun down, I feel your love and strength guiding me through yet another day without your physical being by my side.  The down side to this move is being further away from the kids, but they have their own lives to live too. I miss them very much, but appreciate our time together so much more now.  While I sometimes feel alone, I do know that you are with me always… in spirit and in my heart.  I love the little tricks you pull on my still… makes me feel less of a void at times.  I will miss you forever, but am forever grateful for everything you have given to me… most of all, the memories!  As I know you would want the same for me, I Wish You Peace My Love…  Forever and Always Baby!